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Should Have Been
It should have been wonderful. After seven years of shared walls, small-to-nonexistent yards, and overpriced suburban life, we found ourselves moving into a house– a big old charming house in Small...
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Always in my Heart
It has been a year since the horrible day we learned that our growing baby, whose perfect heartbeat we had heard only a month before, had died in my womb. One year passes so quickly and so slowly,...
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Instead
He should be fifteen months old. I picture him with blonde hair and dimples, toddling around the house, terrorizing the dog, saying a few words now and then. It’s hard to imagine having a toddler boy...
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imagining
Two years have passed since we learned that our third son lay dead within my womb. The what-ifs, the should-have-beens, they still claw at my heart occasionally. They touch that place that after two...
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Spinning Beauty from Bitterness
We go out to dinner, because we already had the babysitter lined up and the boys are at my parents’ house for the weekend and we both feel like maybe we should get out of the house. Our conversation...
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Imagining
I imagine there are swings in heaven– the kind where you go so high your toes touch deep blue and you think you must be flying. I know there are grandmas there– the kind with laps and rocking chairs...
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After a Week
It’s been one week since the bleeding, the call to the doctor, the over-the-phone reassurances and the “if you want to come in I can check, but I’m sure everything’s okay.” It’s been one week since the...
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For the Doubters and the Broken
I was in bed half asleep when I suddenly just had to write. I kind of hate when that happens. And if I’m going to blog right now, tonight, it should be about a little boy who turned seven today and had...
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Life Goes On
Life goes on, even when it doesn’t– even when some deep part of my heart has stopped beating and my soul can’t breathe. I don’t know if it’s comforting or not to think that outside the four dead walls...
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Five
I am a mother five times over. five times? you say, looking around my house obviously populated by three — three kids smiling from pictures on the walls– three kids’ artwork proudly displayed– three...
View ArticleHollow But Not Empty
It was ten years ago this morning that the Doppler couldn’t find my son’s heartbeat. A decade ago, I discovered that you can survive being emptied entirely—gutted and destroyed within—that you can be...
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